Why?
by Irish American 67
Summary: When the device that would switch Faith and Buffy's bodies is broken, they switch something else instead, and it causes Faith to become the victim, and Buffy... the oppressor. Now, Faith sets out on a quest for repentance while still struggling with nightmares of everything she's done, and everything Buffy's done to her.
1. Chapter 1

Why?

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction

AN: This story is told through the perspective of Faith, and up until the events of this story, it's all pretty much the same as the actual tv show, though I will be taking SOME creative license, and some things may be unintentionally different, due to it being a while since I've seen this part of the series. It starts off on whichever episode it was where Faith switched bodies with Buffy.

Chapter 1...

I'm standing outside Buffy's house, hesitating. I have... some type of machine in my hand. The Mayor had given it to me as some sort of final request. Basically, from what I understand, assuming I understood his perfectly vague explanation at all, it'll allow B and me to switch bodies. Then, B'll take the fall for my actions in my body. She'll get punished by the Watchers for killing a human, and probably get sent to prison in my place, while I get to live her life. I just have to lay low and do what B would probably do, 'cause I am _not_ going to jail.

I know what I ned to do. It's me or her, and it sure as Hell ain't gonna be me, so it's gotta be her. So why am I hesitating?

I don't know, but I got a funny feeling that something major is about to happen, only it's gonna be something that I don't like.

I push those thoughts aside and enter Buffy's house, hopefully for the last time as myself. I find B's mom and tie her up, laying her down upstairs in... someone's room. I don't pay attention to whose room it is, I just pick one.

I sit down in a chair and dig through the person's makeup. I think it's Ms. Summers'. I talk to Ms. Summers while I apply some lipstick. I sit down again, waiting for B to show up, 'cause I know she will soon, and, knowing her, it'll be with flair.

Sure enough, she comes crashing through the window behind me. There's a short exchange of words, but then we fight. We fight for a long time, both of us evenly matched. I make it seem like I'm just toying with her, but I'm beginning to doubt that I can actually beat her.

Finally, we end up at the fireplace, and I manage to slip on the contraption. I gloat a bit, and slam our hands together, expecting to end up in Buffy's body and knock myself out before I know what happened, but I hit her hand too hard, and the device is crushed. Suddenly, the look in B's eye changes to an almost sadistic and... evil look.

She punches me in the gut, and I double over. Since when does B hit that hard, and in the gut? She grabs me by the hair and lifts me up. I'm too surprised to resist. She slams her fist into my face a few times, and I can feel the blood pouring from my nose, several of my teeth are knocked loose, and my eyes begin to swell shut. How could Buffy beat me so utterly? I know how she fights, I've fought alongside her for quite awhile, and even thought I was somewhat surprised when she thrusted a knife into my gut, it still kinda fit what I knew about her style. This... this was not Buffy.

This was NOT how Buffy fought, and no one can simply change their entire style with nothing more than a twitch of their nose. Something went wrong. Buffy isn't just beating me, she's wailing on me.

She picks me up by the throat and slams me down on the floor, hard, never letting go. I feel the air rush out of my lungs, and I find it hard to breathe. She's choking me, I _can't_ breathe. She lets go just before I pass out. I can't move, I'm at her mercy, and I get the feeling she's not feeling very merciful.

I manage to open one eye slightly and see her hovering only inches away from my face, and the bitch is smiling. And it's not a false smile, only put on to piss me off. It's like she's actually getting off on seeing me like this, battered and broken. And I realize she actually _is_ getting off on it when she bends down and pries my mouth open with her tongue and invades my mouth, mapping every single crevice. I can't resist it, I can't fight her off, I'm in too much pain.

My shirt and leather jacket are torn off of me, followed by my pants and boots. Ididn't have time to put anything else on before coming here, I'm totally bare and exposed. She grabs my chest and squeezes, hard, not sparing any strength.

I'm not aroused, I feel no pleasure, only pain as she touches me, squeezes me, stabs at me everywhere. The feelings and sensations I'd attached to sex were completely absent. Every touch from her stings me, burns me, kills me.

I, Faith Lehane, was NOT made to be somebody's bitch. I was NOT supposed to be the one on bottom. I was NOT supposed to be so helpless. And who would help me, even if they could? For fuck's sake, I KILLED people. I killed PEOPLE! I fucked up everyone's life, including my own, and I betrayed the only thing close to a family I'd ever had. I wasn't even supposed to exist. Not with Buffy being the Slayer. Only one at a time, yet there are now two. And one of them is being raped. And the other one is doing the raping. And if I'd ever thought things would have ended up like this, I'd have thought I'd have been where Buffy is now. Not because I was attracted to her or anything, but because of the feeling of total control over her it would give me, to know that I was, once and for all, the superior Slayer, and I could do whatever the Hell I wanted to her, and she couldn't do shit about it.

Buffy can kill me cold-blooded right now, if she wants. And I know that the reason she doesn't isn't because it would be wrong, or because she doesn't have it in her to take another life, even one as shitty as mine, but because this gives her so much more control than killing me.

"Please..." I manage to say dryly. "Stop... Kill me..."

"No. I don't think so." Is all Buffy says.

I can feel her all over me, on the outside, and on the inside. There's nowhere that Buffy hasn't left her mark. She toys with me for hours, obviously having forgotten about her mom. Or perhaps she hasn't forgotten, she just doesn't care.

By the time she gets bored, I'm screaming on the inside, begging to be set free, begging for mercy, begging for death. She grabs a knife and is about to kill me when she sees something outside. She curses, then drops the knife. She puts what's left of my clothes back on my body and escorts a team of Watchers, followed by Giles inside.

"I don't think she'll be able to put up much of a fight, Giles. I beat her pretty badly." She says to Giles, so... nonchalantly, like it's something she does every day.' I'm lifted into the air by the Watchers and driven away in a black van. They stop eventually and the next thing I know, I'm staring down the barrel of an assault rifle.

"Sorry about this, Miss Lehane, but orders are orders... Actually, I'm not so sorry. You killed a human. And you were directly related to the deaths of multiple other humans at that Graduation Day catastrophe." I can hear the movement of his finger ashe draws back the trigger, and the gun clicks. I praise whatever deity there is up there that's taking pity on me and allowing me to die, but then realize the gun didn't go bang.

_Why didn't it go "bang"?!_ I start to cry. I can't belive I'm crying. I don't cry. Why am I crying? The world is cruel, that's why. I killed people, many people, and I nearly got the only family I'd ever known killed, and then my plan to save myself backfires and I end up getting violated by the girl I'd considered my sister. Then, when I'm finally about to be punished, and I feel relief at that comforting fact, it's cruelly snatched away from me by some idiot who forgot to turn the safety off.

"Damn it!" The gun-guy cursed under his breath, and he turns the safety off right as his phone rings. He answers it and heads outside so he can take the call.

He comes back and gives me the news. The news I never thought I'd get. The news I'd hoped for, but never knew that I was actually hoping I never got.

"Well, Miss Lehane, looks like there's been a change of plans. Due to the persistence of your... friend... Rupert Giles, the council has cancelled the order that you be executed for yor crimes. Instead, you'll be put on trial and the results of the hearing will determine what happens next."

I start weeping, every inch I shake sending pain coursing through my body, but I don't care about the pain. I just want it all to end, but it won't.

"Yeah, I know. I'll bet you're relieved. Lucky bitch. I really wanted to put a bullet in your brain. You know, one of my cousins had a kid going to school here. She died because of you and your beloved mayor's whole Graduation Day fiasco."

I cry and cry and cry, and finally I fall into unconsciousness. My dreams are not dreams. They're nightmares.

Once more, I can feel Buffy's despicable touch. I feel her strength crushing me from the inside out. I see the look of contempt in her eyes as she forces her fingers in and out of me. I can feel her saliva on every inch of my skin, and she rubs it in, then does it all over again. I feel her force my mouth open and push her tongue as far down my throat as she can. I feel her push her fingers into my mouth, then close my lips around them as she pulls out, leaving her juices on my tongue after she climaxed. Her juices taste like sewage, which was not even close to how dirty I feel. I can feel the pain again of the beating I took, and the events that followed.

I wake up, and I can still feel it all. I'm in a comfortable bed with silk sheets, and sunlight is streaming in through the curtains. Outside, I can hear birds chirping. You know those scenes on TV where everything is perfect and right in the world, and how everything seems more cheerful? That's what this was like, and it angered me. It wasn't fair! How come whenever Buffy or Xander or Red or any of the Scoobies are sad, or angry, or just in a messed-up state of mind, they get the dark skies and rain and thunder and lightning, so the whole world is in the same state of mind as them? The world empathizes with them. And yet, when I'm broken physically, mentally and emotionally, I get sunndy days and bird chirps and children playing outside.

I hear the playful screams of the children, and my head is pounding.

I can't sit up. I can't move. I'm not restrained, but the pain I'm still in is restraint enough.

Giles walks in and brings me breakfast. Sausage, scrambled eggs, bacon, biscuits, gravy, and a nice cup of coffee. Why? He smiles at me and says I've been through enough. Why?

He tells me to relax, and turns on the TV. It's one of those badass Steven Seagal movies he knows I like. Why? He tells me to lie still and sty as comfortable as I can, and he feeds me my breakfast. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

WHY?!

When I'm finished with my breakfast, he has me take some melatonin, to help me sleep. I don't want to sleep, because of the dreams, but I realize that I need to sleep if my body is to heal. I rest, and I have the nightmare again.

Once more, I can feel Buffy's despicable touch. I feel her strength crushing me from the inside out. I see the look of contempt in her eyes as she forces her fingers in and out of me. I can feel her saliva on every inch of my skin, and she rubs it in, then does it all over again. I feel her force my mouth open and push her tongue as far down my throat as she can. I feel her push her fingers into my mouth, then close my lips around them as she pulls out, leaving her juices on my tongue after she climaxed. Her juices taste like sewage, which was not even close to how dirty I feel. I can feel the pain again of the beating I took, and the events that followed.

I wake up and it's the afternoon. I feel a raw steak on my face, and the swelling has gone down. I'm not in as much pain, though the pain is still there. And I doubt the scars will never fade, though the ones on my body will, with time.

Giles picks me up and carries me to the bathroom. He turns on the water. Lukewarm. Not hot, not cold. Why? He calls to someone, and Red comes in. At first, I think she's going to kill me, and I feel relieved again, but then I see the sympathetic look on her face, and my hopes fade again. And I cry again. Giles leaves Willow and me alone, and she asks my permission. I know what she's asking me about, and all I can do is nod. She slowly and carefully undresses me and sets me in the water. She washes me with the care of a woman in love with another woman. I don't think that she might be gay. All I can think of is the fact that I'm finally being treated with kindness, and all I want to do is die.

She rinses me off, dries me off, and wraps me up in a towel, then carries me back to the bed. Why? Does she know what happened? Is _that_ why everyone's being nice to me? Because I'm a rape victim?!

Finally, I find my voice, though it's hoarse, and it hurts to talk.

"Stop it! Stop being so nice to me! I tried to kill you! I fucking tried to kill you! I killed people! Humans! Teenagers! I tried to kill Buffy, Xander, Giles, you! I tried to kill you all! Stop being nice to me! Punish me! Kill me!" Willow slowly backed up against the wall, and Giles came running.

"Faith..." He warned, but I didn't care.

"Turn off this sun! Put on the storm clouds! I want rain, and thunder, and lightning! I want everyone to know what I feel! I want Buffy to feel what she fucking did to me!" I'm sobbing as I speak again, and Giles and WIllow look at each other. They didn't know. I didn't answer the unspoken question: what do you mean? Instead, I just curl up into a ball and sob. I feel Giles and Willow sit on either side of me and hug me like I'm part of the family again.

They don't understand. I don't want sympathy. I don't want care, or affection, or a beautiful day, or bird songs, or Steven Seagal, or breakfast in bed, or a bath, or a comfy bed, or a nice room, or to relax. I just want one thing: death.

**Well, this is my first attempt of a story like this, so go easy on the flames, please! I'd like some reviews, though. Also, the idea for this story actually came from a challenge by another writer called Cotto. Anyway, please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Why?

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction

Chapter 2...

A meeting of the Scoobies. Everyone together in one room. Yes, that's what I want. On the bright side, I think Xander, Red's girlfriend, and that college beefstick shagging Buffy all hate me. Maybe they won't try to comfort me or say nice things.

No such luck. Apparently, the good guys don't seem to like seeing anyone at all beat up like I am. Except Xander. He's still on the haters side, but he's being reigned in by the rest of the gang.

Then there's Buffy. I can't even call her "B" anymore. It sounds so... sick. Her "comforting" hurts the most of all, because _she's _the one that _did_ this to me. But of course, no one knows that. They don't even know _what_ happened to me.

And you know the sick bit? I used to like this girl. I mean, seriously like her. I used to go home and fantasize about her in my apartment, before the coma. Mostly X-rated stuff, of course, but there was _some_ tame bits, some might even call them romantic. I used to think about taking a moonlit walk through the woods. Not goin' patrollin', or huntin', or stakin' out some new big bad. Just walkin'. Hangin' out. Even on a date. An actual _date._ We walked across a bridge, the full moon reflectin' off the waters in the stream down below. Fireflies dancin' around, givin' us a light show. Crickets chirp and frogs croak, owls hoot and the wind blows through the trees. Never really liked any of those sounds, really, 'cept maybe the wind, but together, in my dream, it was kinda beautiful. Yes, _I_, _Faith Lehane_, used the word beautiful, and not in a sarcastic way, either. She and I would sit on that bridge and just talk for a while, 'bout anythin' that came to mind, really. After we ran out of things to talk about, and a few times in between, one of us would lean over and kiss the other. Just a kiss. No alterior motives, or whatever they're called. Neither of us lookin' to get laid. Just a kiss. A kiss that sent chills down my spine in a very, very good way.

And then, the same girl that I actually dreamt about actually _dating_ goes and... and... and... does... that to me.

"Stay away from me." I growl at her, but I'm actually terrified, and I know it shows. There was nothing intimidating about my voice, and I can see her eyes laughing at me, but her face is a mask of concern put on for show, for the gang's sake. I could out her. I could tell everyone what she did to me. I could. But who would believe me? And who would do anything about it if they did?

I tried to kill them all. I almost succeeded. I got what was coming to me. But did my punishment have to be so... so... like that? I would have preferred prison. Hell, I would have preferred Hell. Because at least in Hell, I'd pay for my crimes, then maybe get another shot in about a thousand years or so. That's some of the stories I've heard. See, according to the stories I've heard, prison is punishment for the crime itself. But Hell is a cleansing of the soul. It helps you to atone for your crimes, it helps you redeem yourself. At least, that's what I'd like to believe. But I'm not in Hell. I'm somewhere worse.

I hate myself. I've hated myself for a while, but now I can't even stand to be in the same room as myself. I threw the mirror out of the bathroom, and I have to have Red give me a bath just so I don't have to see myself naked. Just so I don't have to see Buffy between my legs, on my waist, squeezing my breasts... I hate myself almost as much as I hate Buffy.

"Stay away from me." I say again, curling up into a ball, tears starting to form.

"Buffy, I think your presence is upsetting her. Come along now, she's been through a lot." Giles said, and that's the only kind thing anyone's done for me that I actually appreciate.

"Oh, come on, Giles." Xander said, looking down at me. "She's just putting on a show. You know, she's really good at faking things." Xander said, then caught himself, but not before almost everyone caught onto what he just hinted at. Everyone but the new aditions to the group. "Now when I say she's good at faking things, I'm referring, of course, to her faking... Uh... Faking... being our friend! Not faking... you know... with me."

"Of course that's what you meant." Giles said, cleaning his glasses, a scowl on his face.

"Faking what with you?" The girl attached to his arm asked. The ditzy blonde bimbo.

"Faking... not being good at checkers! You caught me, Ahn."

"I don't think that's what he really meant." The girl said to Red, who shrugged her shoulders.

I looked around at the group. Despite having me in the room, and obviously having a meeting to decide what to do with me, they were all jokin' around, havin' a good time. One big happy fucking family. One big happy fucking family I can't believe I ditched. If I hadn't have left and joined the mayor... If I had just taken the council's punishment for killin' Finch, I'd have been back with them by now, still their friend, for the most part. I'd have been part of the family. Not a... a...

Damn it, Faith, I'm a rape victim. Just fucking say it.

"Well, all other matters aside, there's still the matter of what to do with Faith until the hearing." Giles said, and the room quieted.

"I say chain her up in a basement somewhere. Use three sets of chains just for her arms so she can't just break them." Xander said.

"No, she's been through a lot. She's only just gotten out of a bloody coma, for heaven's sake! That's been a trap enough, I'm sure. No, I think we should make her comfortable, but keep her close, so we can keep an eye on her." Giles said.

They all went back and forth, suggestin' a million things they could do with me until the hearing. Finally, I got tired of bein' talked about instead of talked to.

"Here's an idea: why don't you just kill me and get it over with?" I say with not a bit of sarcasm, and not even Xander says anything to that. "I mean, I _did_ try to kill all of you. I almost succeeded with most of you. I gained your trust and I betrayed you. I killed two people, humans, and I helped the mayor kill dozens more. And you know what else? Wanna know what I was _really_ doing at Buffy's house? I wasn't there to kill her. I had this little device thingy that was gonna switch our bodies. Buffy would take the fall for everything I did, and I would live Buffy's life."

"So why didn't you?" Giles asked, and that question replaced the millions of questions I saw forming in everyone else's mouths.

"The damn thing broke. It shattered when I pressed my hand against Buffy's. The way it worked was, I wore it on my hand, then was supposed to press it against Buffy's hand, and it would work its magic, but I hit her hand too hard, and it broke." I did my best to sound indifferent, like it was just annoying when my evil plan to take over someone else's life didn't work out, but I'm not sure it actually worked.

"Well, may I ask what exactly Buffy did to you?" Giles asked.

"What? She kicked my ass, that's what."

"Well, obviously, yes. But I mean, yesterday, you mentioned something that Buffy did to you."

"Again, she kicked my ass."

"No, that's not what you were talking about." Giles said, frustratedly cleaning his glasses.

"Hey, G-man. You clean those glases anymore, and you won't see shit out of them. They'll be mirrors, and all you'll see is yourself."

"Wow, Faith. You're "burns" are getting sad." Xander said.

"What's it to you? Been in a coma for eight months. No contact to the outside world or anything. No one to burn, so I'm a bit rusty."

"I can tell."

"Xander..." Giles said, replacing his glasses on his face.

"Anyway, how the hell do you know what I was talking about?" I actually started to believe my own act. I actually sounded normal, but I knew what was going down inside my head.

"Because, somehow I doubt that Buffy managing to beat you would put you in tears." Everyone's faces went sympathetic instantly, even Xander's, who apparently hadn't known about that. And anyone who knows anything about me knows that I don't cry.

"I had something in my eye last night, got it?" I said, angrily.

"Faith..." Red said, almost lovingly.

"What?!" I accidentally shouted, before I could stop myself. Not that I cared about hurting their feelings, but because I knew that that was a dead giveaway.

I knew it was hopeless to resist. The tears were coming on to strong as the memories that hadn't left came once more to the very front of my mind, and I curled up into a ball. I felt someone, I didn't know who, come and sit next to me, then actually hug me. Someone actually hugged me. I could tell it wasn't Willow, her arms were too thin to be the one embracing me. But the arms were distinctly feminine, though they were muscular. Almost as muscular as mine. I looked up into Buffy's cruel face, and pushed her away, screaming.

"Ow!" I heard her say in a voice that wasn't Buffy's. I recognized her now. It was Xander's bit of arm candy. Buffy was nowhere to be seen. I sensed a faint demonic presence from her. Did the gang know about that? Oh, who cares?

"Faith." Giles said softly.

"Stop saying my fucking name like I'm a God damned baby!" I shouted, and they all recoiled. I didn't even try to stop the barrage of emotions, I knew it was useless.

"Faith, what did Buffy do to you?"

"You really want to know?" I asked quietly. "Or are you just asking to be "polite"?"

"What did Buffy do?"

"She... she beat me up. Bad. I coudn't feel... anything. Nothing except..." I didn't continue. I couldn't put voice to the memory.

"Except what?" Fuck, even Xander had that condescendingly concerned tone.

"Except... what she did."

"What, did she keep beating on you?" Arm-hugger-girl asked bluntly, though I got the feeling that she was trying to be comforting, but didn't really know how.

All I could do was shake my head "no".

Giles seemed to catch on, and he looked at Willow. "Faith... Did Buffy... force... herself... on you?" He asked slowly, like just the thought of it tasted bad.

I didn't answer. I didn't have to. The sobs that escaped before I could muffle them answered for me. I was blind with the tears.

Willow and Xander's-girl both ran over and hugged me. They held me so tight that I couldn't push them away. They didn't get it. I don't want to be touched. I couldn't stand being touched. It reminded me of...

I finally pushed them all away and jumped over the back of the couch, then curled up in a dark corner of the room.

"I don't think touching her is a good idea right now, girls." Giles said, and they backed off.

Buffy entered the room, oblivious to what had happened. I felt my eyes grow wide in fear as I hoped she didn't notice me.

"Is everything okay? Can I come back in now?" She asked cheerily, then noticed everyone's expressions. "What?" She asked.

Willow stood up and smacked her, hard. I heard the echo around the entire house, and Buffy's head actually jerked.

"What the hell?!" Buffy asked, and was silenced as Tara smacked her as well. Xander, however, was not so gentle. He balled up his fist and punched her. Obviously, she wasn't actually hurt, but it sure surprised the hell outta everyone, even Xander himself. But he didn't stop there. He punched her again, with his other fist, and everyone had to struggle to hold them apart. Giles and Riley held Buffy back, barely, and the girls managed to hold Xander back.

"What the hell is all this about?!" Buffy screamed.

"You know exactly what this is about!" Xander shouted, then glanced at me. Buffy followed his gaze. She glared at me murderously.

"Wait, you guys actually believe anything she says? She'strying to tear us apart again! Whatever she said I did, there's no way! I mean, come on, you guys know me better than that! Unless it was just about beating her up, which I did do, but I had to! She was going to get away, and she had this little thing on her hand! I don't know what it was going to do, but luckily, it broke before it could do it!"

"Buffy, I honestly don't know who to believe." Giles said, releasing her as she stopped struggling. "Yes, I do know you, and I want to believe you wouldn't do what Faith let on you did, and it's true that she probably wouldn't hesitate to stoop this low to break us all up, but there was sincerity and honest fear in her eyes when we asked her those questions, and I honestly doubt that she had enough time to take acting lessons between waking up from an 8-month coma and now."

"Then she found a way! Come on, there's no way in hell that I would ra-"

"What?" Giles asked.

"I mean, come on! There's no way in hell that I would do anything to harm anyone, even if they deserved it! I draw the line at decapitating someone so they can't get away."

"You mean incapacitating?" Willow asked coldly.

"Yeah, that."

"Have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?" Willow asked.

"A Froyd-and-a-what?"

"Freudian Slip. It's also called a slip of the tongue. You accidentally say something you don't want to say because it's at the front of your mind, and it's what you actually mean. It's basically the exact opposite of sarcasm. Whereas with sarcasm, you say something on purpose that you don't mean to contradict what the obvious meaning of what you said was, with a Freudian Slip, you accidentally say something you DO mean, but that you didn't want anyone to hear."

"Willow, I don't think now is the appropriate time for Psych 101." Giles said angrily, though the anger was towards Buffy.

"Giles, you've got to believe me-"

"How did you know Faith said you raped her?"

"I overheard her from the kitchen."

"She never actually said it. In fact, she couldn't bring herself to say it."

"Right, I meant that I overheard someone else say it, and she didn't deny it."

"Really? Who?"

"What?"

"Who suggested that you raped her?"

Everyone looked at her hopefully, trying to find some way to dismiss the theory.

"Um... Anya?"

"You don't sound sure."

"Right. Anya. I heard Anya say it." She turned to look at Xander's girl. "How could you suggest that?!" She asked, like she felt betrayed.

"I was the one who suggested it, Buffy." Giles said sadly.

Buffy knew she was caught.

"Fine. Be that way. But I know that I didn't do it, even if you don't believe me. But even if I did," She turned to look at me, then smirked so only I could see. "she would have deserved it. She tried to kill all of us, and she killed two humans. Plus those people at the Graduation Day ceremony wouldn't have died if Faith didn't help the mayor. I say she deserves whatever the hell she gets." Buffy stormed out, and the front door slammed behind her.

Everyone looked at me, the anger fading, turning to pity.

"Don't fucking pity me!" I shouted, never having stopped sobbing.

"Are you alright?" Giles asked me.

"That's a stupid question, Giles, of course she's not alright." Xander said.

"Yes... But what I mean to say was... well... actually, I don't know what I want to say." He sat down and buried his face in his hands, groaning. He leaned back and tilted his head back, putting his palm to his forehead and sighed.k

"Faith, I'll bet you want another bath, don't you?" Willow said, talking to me like a child.

"Willow." Tara said, grabbing her hand.

"No, it's okay, I gave her a bath yesterday."

"Only because she could barely move. She can take care of herself now."

"Well, that's... That's just cold! We can't force her to-"

"It's not forcing herself to do anything. I've... I'm willing to bet, that is, that even being around other people is scaring her. She's terrified, and you saw how she reacted when you tried to even hug her. Imagine how she'll react if there's any kind of nakedness involved."

"Oh my god! Faith, I'm so sorry! I didn't think of it like that!"

"And I don't think we should treat her any differently than normal. I've... I've done a bit of research, and... what I've read... said that the more normal we keep her surroundings, the better it will be. Of course, that's not saying we should act like we don't care. I think we should just reat her like one of the gang. I know that helped me... I mean, my... cousin. My... cousin was... abused by her father."

"Tara..." Willow said, seeing right through her less-than-impressive smokescreen. "Why didn't you tell me about your... cousin?"

"Well, because... my cousin... didn't think it was important. My cousin's gotten over it by now, and... she doesn't even think about it much anymore."

"It's still important to me, baby. I need to know when my girlfriend has... a cousin who's been abused."

"Yes, well, Tara, since you're the only one who apparently knows what you're talking about in this instance seeing as your... cousin... has been in Faith's situation, though not quite the same as this, we're probably going to be relying heavily upon your advice." Giles said.

"Of course. Whatever I can do to help."

"And then, of course, there is still the matter of Faith's hearing, which shall take place some time next week, assuming the Council is accurate about the time frame, which they never are."

"A hearing?" Willow asked softly. "But, Giles, do you think now is the right time?"

"Believe me, I understand your reservations. I don't think she's ready to stand trial, especially since Buffy will be a key witness against her. Unfortunately, the Council isn't known for its emotional understanding. And it was all I could do to convince them not to kill her on the spot. We're lucky they're letting her staywith us instead of being hauled off to some godforsaken prison until then."

"Shoulda let them." I mumbled, and everyone turned to me. I wish they'd stop doing that.

"I'm sorry, Faith, did you say something." Well, if they're going to pay so much attention to me, might as well get my word in edgewise.

"Shoulda let them kill me. If you'd let them kill me, then I wouldn't be having these visions. These memories. I wouldn't be haunted by... her face..." I couldn't hear the slightest trace of emotion in my voice.

"Faith?" Tara asked, obviously having picked up on it, too.

"Well, what do you know? Managed to turn them off." I said, halfway to myself. "Thought it would help... get rid of the emotions, get rid of the hurt from the memories. Didn't work."

"Faith, I'm afraid turning off your emotions won't help in the slightest. It'll only make it harder for you to deal with all of this." Giles said calmly.

"Yeah. So what, you gonna take me to a shrink? Make me lie down on a couch for an hour every week until everything's topsy-turvy? Then you'll be free to throw me in prison for killing people, and a whole new batch of crazy'll begin, but then you can go to bed with a clear conscience. You didn't turn the poor little rape victim away, you paid for her to get help. There's your good deed for the year, time to go fuck something else up. Oh, you're so stupid. Stupid! Stupid! You're so fucking stupid! You brought this on yourself, did you know that?!" I don't know at what point I went from talking down to the Scoobies to screaming at myself, and I don't think anyone else did, either.

"You fuck everything up! You grow up fucking everything up for yourself, and nobody even gives a shit whether you live or die, then when you finally get yourself a _real_ family, a group of people who _do_ care about you, and treat you like you're actually one of them, you find yourself a home, couple of brothers, maybe even a sister, and you actually fall for someone, and you FUCK it all up! You go off and join some suicidal politician who wants to become a demon, and, sure, he treats you okay, like a daughter, he says, but you just traded an entire family for one suicidal dad, then you even go and lose him, and get this, you lose the suicidal dad to the very girl you fell for in the first place!

"You go into a coma, and she and the guy she put you into that coma for, the guy you couldn't compete with, the guy whose presence _pushed _you to join the mayor in the first place, isn't even around anymore! So really, this is all_ his _fault. And he calls himself an Angel! He's a fucking demon, that's what he is. Nothing but a fucking demon. But still, I'm the one who chose to join the mayor. If I'd stuck it out just a few more days, the mayor would've been dead, and Angel would've left, and Icould have been that shoulder to cry on, and maybe then I could've made my move. I wouldn't have tried to fucking switch bodies with her, and she wouldn't have..." The emotions were back. That had to be the shortest vacation in history, my emotions were off for a total of five seconds.

"Faith, did you say that device thingy was supposed to switch Buffy's body and your's?"

"Yeah, that's it. I'llswitch bodies with her, and this time, it'll work. Then I won't be so dirty." I said, not really paying much attention.

"Giles, Tara, can I speak to you?" Willow dragged Giles and Tara into another room, and I heard them talking from where I still sat, curled up in the corner.

The conversation went like this:

Willow: "Giles, Tara, I think I know what's going on with Buffy!"

Giles: "What do you mean?"

Willow: "I think that thing malfunctioned!"

Tara: "What thing?"

Willow: "The thing that Faith was going to use."

Giles: "Oh, well, obviously it was broken."

Willow: "And I think the breaking caused it to malfunction. When machines get broken, they tend to send out this little pulse thing, and it normally electrocutes whatever's touching it when it breaks."

Tara: "But Willow, this was some kind ofmagical device."

Willow: "Excatly! That means it might have done something different! If it was supposed to switch Faith and Buffy's bodies, then maybe, instead of doing that, it switched their personalities instead!"

Giles: "What?"

Willow: "Think about it! Who's more prone to emotional breakdowns: Faith or Buffy?"

Giles and Tara: "Buffy."

Willow: "And yet Faith is the one curled up in a ball sobbing!"

Giles: "Wel, it's understandable, she _is_, after all, a victim of rape."

Willow: "But Faith wouldn't normally curl up in a ball and cry, no matter what. She'd be out there, seeking Buffy out and looking for revenge."

Giles: "Well, I suppose you're right, but one can never tell how someone would react under a certain situation until they're put in that situation."

Willow: "Okay, than what about the bruises? Who's more likely to beat someone up that badly: Faith or Buffy?"

Giles: "Faith, of course. But Buffy may have had to beat her up that badly in order to prevent Faith from getting away. Not to mention the fact that Faith was in her house with her mother all alone. I'm sure Buffy was very angry."

Willow: "Fine, but look at Buffy. She barely had a scratch on her! I may not be big with the butch or anything, but even I know that you don't get into a fight with a Slayer and get out with barely a scratch. Especially when that other Slayer is Faith. Plus, you know how Buffy fights. Can you honestly tell me that her style is that much more effective than Faith's?"

Giles: "No, honestly, I'd say it would be the other way around. Buffy relies more on blocking and attempting to dodge her opponent's attacks, only going for a hit when she has a clear aim and can go for the kill with little to no effort. Faith, on the other hand, doesn't usually let her opponents get in a hit at all, making them too busy blocking attacks to attack themselves. Both methods are very effective against vampires, demons and the like, but when used against each other..."

Tara: "Faith should have overcome Buffy."

Giles: "Yes."

Willow: "So the only way this could have happened is if they actually switched the way they fight, say, through the little device Faith had."

Giles: "Yes, I suppose your theory might be possible, but if so, then they each only received a part of each other's personalities. Both of them have both good and darkness inside them, it's just that Faith has been leaning more towards the dark, and Buffy leans mostly towards the good in her. But now, Faith has become completely victimised, leaving me to believe she only received Buffy's tendency towards the light, and her innocence. Buffy, on the other hand, received only Faith's violent side, as is apparent by the level of injury she inflicted upon Faith, and her subsequent actions."

Willow: "In other words..."

Tara: "Buffy has all of Faith's badnes, combined with her own, and none of either of their goodness."

Willow: "And Faith has all of both of their goodness, and none of the darkness!"

Giles: "Heaven help us. And Faith, the poor girl. I never thought I'd actually be feeling sorry for her, but I am. I can't imagine what she's going through. To have the innocence of an infant and yet, have commited more heinous crimes than most of the more evil humans in history, plus having had to experience one of the most violent and evil actions humankind has ever thought up from the perspective of the victim. I must say, I don't envy her, though I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy."

Willow and Tara: "Me either."

Willow: "What are we going to do?"

Giles: "Right now, we need to take care of Faith, despite her protests. Let's not make her feel helpless, but she does need assistance. That much is clear. And we stillneed to prepare for the hearing. But let's hope we can get this turned around before then, or we may end up ruining both her and Buffy. The emotional scarring that could take place at this hearing is... astronomical in proportion."

I stopped listening. So that's what happened to me. Then this is all because of the mayor's gift. If that thing hadn't been so fragile, none of this would've happened. And if that's the case, then part of the blame goes to the mayor himself. Damn him.

Damn me.

And the people who used to love me like family, who I betrayed, who have grown to hate me more than the Hellmouth itself, they're taking care of me. Like I'm family again.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?


	3. Chapter 3

Why?

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction

Chapter 3...

The Scoobies wouldn't leave me alone. The dreams kept getting worse. I could now feel Buffy's touch every time I moved. It was driving me insane. I saw Buffy's face whenever I looked in the mirror, or a pool of water. I heard her voice any time there was a breeze outside. I smelled her shampoo any time I was around flowers, which happened quite often, as Giles had a garden surrounding his house.

Used to be, I enjoyed being surrounded by reminders of Buffy. Now they made me sick, scared.

So I'm completely innocent right now, huh? The innocence of a kid? Both the small bit of innocent soul I had left and Buffy's entire innocence in one body, and it just happens to be the body of a serial killer.

I'm jumpy, too. Every small sound I heard made me think Buffy was back, ready to finish what she started.

"Faith!" Red called. Her voice was starting to grate on my nerves. "Dinner's ready!"

I went downstairs to meet the gang.

Chili. Giles made chili for dinner. I don't really care for chili, but it was actually kind of good. Once you got past the charred beans and very dry sauce, that is. So the meat wasn't too bad.

"So, um... Faith..." Giles said, trying to start a conversation. "I was thinking maybe we could start rehearsing your defense for the hearing later. You'll need to know it inside and out, plus it might help to take your mind off of... everything."

"Giles." Red whispered, shaking her head.

"For God's sake, Red, would you stop babying me?"

"What?"

I slammed my spoon down in the bowl and got up to leave.

"Faith, you need to eat." Giles said.

"I gotta get out of here, G. Gotta... hit something. Stake a vamp or something. That's all I'm going to need. I just need to patrol, and everything'll be alright."

"Faith, I don't think-"

"Don't worry, I'll come back. Not like I've got anywhere else to go. 'Sides, I run, the Council finds me and kills me. Least while I'm here, I'm safe from them."

"Actually, Giles, I think it might be a good idea." The other witch said.

"Right, I agree with the blonde witch over there." I said

"Tara?" Giles asked.

"Well, maybe fighting vampires might help her get some of her personality back. It might help her deal a little better."

Giles thought for a minute.

"You're not going to give in, are you, Faith?"

"No."

"Very well. Let's go patrol."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's 'let's?"

"Well, I can't let you go alone. nfortunately, that is one of the terms set by the Council. You're not allowed to leave this house without at least two of us with you. Otherwise, the hearing's off, and you'll be executed."

"Good to know." I said, then started to walk out the door. Red, Blondie and GIles all followed me out immediately, after Giles told Xander and... Anya, was it? Anyway, he told them not to get anything on any of his things.

I staked a few vamps, but nothing was helping. I was even more scared now than I was earlier. Imagine that. I was scared of a few vamps. I powered through it, but by the time I staked my tenth, I was ready to curl back up and wish it would all just go away. I was shaking, and not with excitement or anticipation, with terror.

I could barely breathe.

Finally, I heard a twig snap behind me, and I collapsed on the ground, sobbing in fear. I felt Giles' gentle, yet firm hand on my shoulder. He was the only one who's touch wasn't setting me off now. Any time someone would even brush against me, I would either instinctively punch them, or instinctively run away. Either way, it was just instinct.

"Faith, let's go home. Obviously, this isn't working." He helped me to my feet and supported me as we left the cemetary, the two witches following close.

That was the way the rest of the week went. I tried to patrol, hoping I'd be able to find myself again, but only ended up giving myself nightmares about monsters. But they didn't overshadow the nightmares I had about Buffy. They were just the opening act for the main event.

Finally, the day of the hearing came.

**Well, I'd really like to get some reviews here, please. So far, only one person has reviewed. Granted, he reviewed twice, but it's still only two reviews.**


	4. Chapter 4

Why?

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction

Chapter 4...

"Faith, I'm sure I've gone over this with you before, but I'd better make sure you remember. Watcher trials work slightly different from normal trials, and the punishments are much more severe if you're convicted."

I just nodded, not really paying any attention to Giles as he talked. I had other things on my mind. I wasn't worried about the trial. I figured they'd take into account my new innocent soul, plus even they have to consider the fact that I was raped, right?

No, I was worried about seeing Buffy. How the hell am I going to handle that? I can't even stake vamps anymore, and that's the only thing I'm good at besides drinking. If I can't even do what I'm supposed to do, what I was born to do, how am I supposed to face the girl who raped me?

"Faith? Are you listening?" I snapped out of my trance and looked him in the eyes.

"What? Oh, yeah. Punishments, got it."

"Faith, what are you thinking?" He asked, sitting down next to me and putting his hand comfortingly on my shoulder.

"Thinkin' 'bout Buffy." I admitted. "How am I gonna face her? I mean... she... she ruined me. She nearly destroyed me. I... I'm ter... ter-terrified."

"I know, Faith. Believe me, I know." Giles said softly. I honestly believed him, and I curled up into his embrace and sobbed into his shirt.

Of course, Red chose that particular touching moment to burst into the room, all excited-like.

"Giles!" She exclaimed, then grew silent when she saw me. "Oh, I-I'm sorry."

"What is it, Willow?" Giles asked.

"I think I found the right spell. Tara and I, I mean. I think _we_ found the right spell."

"What?"

"The spell that could switch their souls again. Undo what they accidentally did."

"You have?" Giles asked, gently standing up, like he was afraid I'd break if he dropped me too fast.

"I think so. Well, it's actually more of a balancing spell. I don't think we'll ever get them both comepletely back to normal, but we can balance them out so they both have the same amount of light and darkness. Then, whatever they each do from there will influence their souls one way or the other."

"Willow that's... bloody brilliant." Giles said with a smile. "What will you need for the spell to work?"

"Well, the swap was done to begin with with a little device called a Draconian Katra. Tara and I can do this little ritual and conjure the effects of the Katra to create our own. Like with most magic, it'll work better with natural elements, so we'll probably enchant a stone or something. The thing is, both Buffy and Faith will have to be touching it at the same time."

"Well, that shouldn't be too difficult. What will you need for the ritual?"

"Um, mostly things that we can get at the Magic Box, and the others are just some simple nature things we can get in the forest or in your garden, if you'll let us pick some of your flowers."

"By all means. Whatever it takes to correct this." Giles said, turning back to me. "Faith, we might be able to save you." He was smiling, and I found his smile comforting for some reason. A month ago, I would have diven a knife or a stake through each and every one of the gang's hearts, and now they're all trying to help me. What the hell did I do to deserve this?

I realise then that it wasn't something I'd done. It was what Buffy did. If Buffy hadn't raped me, they'd be begging the Council to kill me.

So how are they gonng treat me once I'm back to normal?

"But... what... what will happen... after...?"

"Excuse me?"

"What... what'll happen to me... after it's all... fixed?"

"Well, that will depend on what happens between now and then." Giles said, his tone melancholic.

"Faith Lehane." I looked up at the Watcher who was gonna be my judge, and then I looked over at the "jury". Basically, the jury was Willow, Xander, Willow's girlfriend, and Xander's girlfriend, along with eight Watchers. Giles was the one defending me, and they got another Watcher to defend Buffy.

"Faith Lehane." The judge said again, trying to keep my attention.

"Yeah?" I asked absent-mindedly. It's taking all I have not to try and hide from Buffy, especially since she's staring at me like I'm some kind of meal she'd like to eat as soon as possible.

"You stand here on trial for your actions. The charges laid against you: two counts of first-degree murder, five counts of attempted murder, assisting in the ascension of Mayor Richard Wilkins III to an upper level demon, which, in turn, lead to numerous other counts of murder, and treachery. How do you plead?"

"Um, just out of curiousity, what inspired the charge of treachery upon my charge?" Giles asked.

"The betrayal of Faith Lehane to the duties and responsibilities of a Slayer, and to the Watcher's council. Joining Mayor Wilkins in his mission to become a demon is a serious betrayal. One which she will be held accountable for. So, how does the Defendant plead?"

"I... Guilty." I manage, and Buffy's smile faded to surprise. She obviously didn't expect me to plead guilty, and judging by the faces of all of the Watchers, they didn't, either.

"Excuse me, did you just say guilty?" the judge asked. I just nodded.

"Yes, Ms. Lehane is pleading guilty to all charges." Giles replied, smirking slightly at everyone's surprise.

"Then, Mr. Giles, why, may I ask, was the purpose of having this trial?"

"To be honest, Your Honor, I had hoped that, through this trial, and by Ms. Lehane pleading guilty, we might be able to negotiate upon the repercussions of her actions, and bring another matter to the attention of the court."

"Oh? What did you have in mind?"

"Well, due to the emotional distress suffered by Ms. Lehane following her coma and her subsequent torment by Ms. Summers, along with some unintentional magical influence resulting in the swapping of souls between the two Slayers, it is my firm belief that Ms. Lehane has been sufficiently punished for her crimes, and I would recommend placing her under my care to see out her rehabilitation. She would live with me in my home in Sunnydale, California, and would assist in the patrolling of the Hellmouth, keeping evil at bay, as well as undergo therapeudic sessions with a psychologist weekly in Los Angeles. And the matter I wish to bring to the court's attention is this: the fact that, following Faith's awakening from her coma, and the malfunction of a magical device identified by Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay as a Draconian Katra, which left Buffy Summers with only the dark portions of her own, and Ms. Lehane's soul, and Ms. Lehane with only the innocent portions of the same souls, Ms. Summers proceeded to sexually assault Ms. Lehane, leading to the brunt of her emotional turmoil."

Giles finished, and all of the Watchers looked back and forth between Giles, me and Buffy.

"Well, the jury will retire for a short recess during which they will decide upon whether or not to accept your terms for Ms. Lehane's rehabilitation, and we will address your charges against Ms. Summers when we return." The judge tapped his little gavel thing once, then stood up and went into a room behind his podium, and Red and the others on the jury went into a separate room to talk.

An hour later, everyone came back.

"Well?" The judge asked the jury, and one of the Watchers stood up. I noticed Red nod to Giles as the Watcher spoke.

"We, the members of this jury find, with a majority vote of 7-5, Mr. Giles' terms acceptable, and we vote in favor of his conditions on Ms. Lehane's rehabilitation."


	5. Chapter 5

Why?

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction

Chapter 5...

"Well, the jury will retire for a short recess during which they will decide upon whether or not to accept your terms for Ms. Lehane's rehabilitation, and we will address your charges against Ms. Summers when we return." The judge tapped his little gavel thing once, then stood up and went into a room behind his podium, and Red and the others on the jury went into a separate room to talk.

An hour later, everyone came back.

"Well?" The judge asked the jury, and one of the Watchers stood up. I noticed Red nod to Giles as the Watcher spoke.

"We, the members of this jury find, with a majority vote of 7-5, Mr. Giles' terms acceptable, and we vote in favor of his conditions on Ms. Lehane's rehabilitation."

Everyone was silent for a while. I don't think anyone, even me, actually expected them to vote in favor of me NOT goin' to prison.

"So... I'm... free?" I ask silently, and Giles' hand squeezin' my shoulder assured me it was actually true.

"Not exactly. But you won't be going to prison. You'll be with those who may grow to care for you, and those who already care about you." Giles smiled at me. "You'll have to stay with me. And you'll have to talk to a psychologist once a week. But other than that, you'll have your life back. Now all that's left is to get your soul back."

Tears filled my eyes as I imagined havin' a real life. A life where I have a family and friends. A life where I don't have to be afraid for my life every second of every day. A life where I can have fun. It's like those parts in the movies where everythin's goin' good and the main character's thinkin' it's too good to be true. Then it turns out it is. That somethin's goin' wrong. I tense up, waitin' for the moment where everythin' goes wrong.

"Now to address the matter of Buffy Summers' sexual assault on Faith Lehane." The Watcher on the podium said, and a murmur spread through the jury. "Rupert Giles, you brought the matter to the attention of the court, therefore, you will begin."

"Yes, Your Honor." Giles said, then cleared his throat as he walked to the center of the room. He thought for a few minutes before speaking. "Very well then. I would like to begin by reminding the jury of the charges that have been brought up against Ms. Lehane. Two counts of first-degree murder, five counts of attempted murder, assisting in the ascension of Mayor Richard Wilkins III to an upper level demon, numerous other counts of murder resulting from her assistance to the Mayor, and treachery."

_What's he doin'?!_ I'm freakin' out. It sounds like he's tryin' to blame it all on me.

"Faith, are these charges accurate?" Giles asked. I looked around the room and catch Willow's eyes. They're tellin' me to trust Giles. She hasn't done anythin' to hurt me since this all happened, so I decide to trust her, and Giles.

"Yes." I mutter.

"Louder, please, so the court may hear you."

"Yes." I say, louder.

"Then you freely admit to commiting each of these crimes?"

"Yes."

"And do you regret them?"

I pause. "What?"

"Do you regret them? Do you feel guilty, do you regret commiting these crimes?"

"Um... yes?"

"Is that a question, or an answer?"

"Answer. Yes, I regret them."

"What are your exact feelings pertaining to your actions?"

"Objection!" Buffy's "lawyer" shouts. "How is this relevant to the case?"

"Your Honor, if I may continue along the line of inquiry, the relevance will reveal itself." Giles said without lookin' away from me.

"Over-ruled. Please continue, Mr. Giles." The Judge said.

"Um... what do you mean?" I asked Giles.

"How do you feel about your crimes? In detail, please."

"Um... I... I feel bad about it... I... I hate that I let myself do those things... I hate that... at the time... while I was doin' those things... I actually enjoyed it. I... I hate what I let myself become... I hate the nightmares I have every night because of what I did. I hate that every time I close my eyes, I see their faces. The faces of everyone I killed or hurt. Deputy Mayor Allan Finch. Professor Lester Worth. Angel. Willow Rosenberg. Alexander Harris. Rupert Giles... Buffy Summers. I hate myself for hurting the people I actually cared about. I... At first... after I fought Buffy this last time... I... I wanted to die. I wanted one of those Watchers with the guns to shoot me. Anything to end the pain." I keep speaking for a long time, describing everything I've felt the past few weeks. I think the tears rollin' down my face make everyone believe what I'm sayin', but I'm not sure.

Giles just sttood there, lettin' me speak, and no one tried to interrupt.

Finally, I couldn't speak anymore, so Giles let me sit down.

"I trust the relevance of my question is apparent, now. But, in case it isn't, I was merely demonstrating the amount of emotional torture Ms. Lehane has been under since the malfunction of the Draconian Katra. I was demonstrating the fact that Faith's soul is in a state of perpetual innocence. I'm not saying she is innocent, and not guilty of anything. But her soul is as mature as an infant's, which greatly heightens the emotional distress she feels over her actions, everything she's seen or heard in her life, and what all has been done to her. She is, at the moment, even incapable of Slaying. Add to her deep regret of her past actions the brutal physical and sexual assault by Ms. Summers, and you can clearly see what an emotionally scarred individual Ms. Lehane is. At the moment, she is even terrified of being in the same room as Ms. Summers."

"Why did you say she'll assist in the protection of the Hellmouth if she is incapable of Slaying?" The Judge asked.

"Because, Your Honor, we have a plan that should help to balance out both Ms. Summers' and Ms. Lehane's souls. Unfortunately, it is doubtful that we can return them to exactly the way they were before the malfunction, but we can at least fix them so far as to be able to make their own choices. I'm not saying that Ms. Summers should go unpunished for her assault on Ms. Lehane. But I do not believe that prison is the proper form of punishment. I would ask the court to grant me personal custody of both Ms. Lehane and as legal guardian as well as official Watcher, so I may continue their training and see to it that they are both, indeed, rehabilitated." Giles walked back around and sat down beside me, squeezin' my arm to reassure me.

"Very well. Mr. Godfrey?" The judge turned to Buffy's "lawyer". "You may present your case on the behalf of Ms. Summers."

"Thank you, Your Honor." Godfrey cleared his throat. "Mr. Giles has presented a sound case. But he seems to have overlooked one detail. All of this, including the sexual assault of herself by my client is really all Ms. Lehane's fault."

"Objection!" Giles roared, enraged.

"Over-ruled. How so, Mr. Godfrey?"

"Well, admittedly, Ms. Lehane's murder of Deputy Mayor Allan Finch, a human, was not pre-meditated. I do not hold her accountable for that. It was a mistake that has been made by numerous Slayers throughtout history. She was caught up in the adrenaline resulting from slaying numerous vampires at once, and Finch surprized her. She reacted on her survival instincts, and his death was a tragic accident. But Ms. Lehane decidedto let her guilt over her action control her, and she let herself fall into darkness. She made the choice to join Mayor Wilkins of her own free will, and the resulting deaths and emotional grief held by the victims of the Sunnydale High Massacre are, by default, on her head. Subsequently, her coma may be seen as a form of punishment delivered by Ms. Summers for her actions. However, even if we consider her slate clean of those endeavors, her recent attempt to kill Joyce Summers and switch bodies with Buffy Summers resulted in the malfunction of this Draconian Katra, and since the soul swap is a result of this, even though Ms. Summers sexually assaulted Ms. Lehane by choice, she would not have done so had her soul not been substituted with Ms. Lehane's darkened soul. Therefore, the sexual assault of Ms. Lehane by Ms. Summers is actually the result of Ms. Lehane's actions.

"I urge the court to consider this matter a charge against Ms. Lehane herself." Godfrey concluded.

"This is preposterous!" Giles roared again. "Are you saying that the charge of _raping_ Faith Lehane should be put against Faith _herself_? You're basically saying that Faith raped herself!"

"Well, since Ms. Lehane's soul was in Ms. Summers' body at the time of the assault, then it can certainly be seen that way."

"Your Honor, if I may ask a few questions?" Giles asked.

"Very well, but make it quick."

"I will, Your Honor. Buffy," Giles turned to her. "Can you pull your hair back on the left side of your neck?"

Buffy did so, wonderin' where the hell he was goin' with this. I saw it then. A scar. A scar from a vampire bite.

"How did you get that scar?" Giles asked.

"I... I, um... I let Angel bite me to cure him of the poison Faith shot him with. Slayer's blood was the only cure."

"What was it like growing up in Boston?"

"I... I didn't... I grew up in LA."

"What is your name?"

"Buffy Summers."

"Then you are not Faith Lehane?"

"No... Where's this going?"

"Did you sexually assault Faith?"

"Um... yeah, I guess... But-"

"So, you have Buffy's early memories of growing up in Los Angeles. You have her memory of letting a vampire feed on her to save his life. An incident that occured long before the sexual assault. You remember raping Faith. You claim to be Buffy Summers, not Faith Lehane. And yet, Mr. Godfrey is claiming that Faith raped herself. I think I've said all that needs to be said." Giles sat back down, scowlin'.

"Um... Very Well, Mr. Giles." The judge said, scratchin' his head. "The jury will take a recess and return with the verdict."

...

Just like before, they were gone about an hour.

"What is the jury's decision?" The judge asked.

"The jury finds, with a unanimous vote, Buffy Summers guilty of sexually assaulting Faith Lehane, and agree with Mr. Giles' terms concerning her rehabilitation."


	6. Chapter 6

Why?

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction

Chapter 6...

"The jury finds, with a unanimous vote, Buffy Summers guilty of sexually assaulting Faith Lehane, and agree with Mr. Giles' terms concerning her rehabilitation."

...

We're back at Giles' place now. Buffy's chained up in his basement. Everyone knows she'll try to get away if she isn't. Red and T are puttin' the finishin' touch on the Dragon Karma thing, or whatever they're callin' it. Once it's finished, they'll use it to get me and B back to normal. Or, as normal as they can make it, anyway.

I'm sittin' in front of the door to the basement, just starin' at it. On the other side of that door, just down a short staircase, is Buffy. I'm tremblin'. Almost paralyzed. I'm scared. I'm terrified. But there's somethin' else, too. Rage. I'm angry. That's why I'm tremblin'. Not 'cause I'm scared. Not 'cause the thought of bein' so close to _her _scares me. It's 'cause bein' this close to her is pissin' me off. Somehow, I think that the magic of the switch is wearin' off or somethin'.

No. That's not it. The innocence... the purely good soul that's inside me... it's bein' tainted. The innocence is fadin'. It's growin' dark. All that's happened to me, both recently, and in the past, everythin' I've done, the memories are ruinin' the soul. And it's allowin' the fear to fade into rage.

But all that's happened recently... The kindness that Giles, Red, and everyone else has shown me... They've been good to me... They've taken care of me, despite the hell I put them all through... I don't want to go back... I don't want to be that monster again. And if I let my rage get the better of me, that's what'll happen. I'll become that monster again. A killer. I want to seize this opportunity and try and make up for everythin' bad I did. If I can do that, then maybe I can finally have what I've always wanted: a home. A family. People who actually care about me, who actually love me. A good life. I want this. So, I'll control my anger. I won't let it get the best of me.

Maybe... once the soul swap thing is fixed... and the fear is mostly gone... Maybe I'll even be able to forgive B for what she did. I mean... she wouldn't have done that if she hadn't been affected by magic. It was like she was possessed. I'll never forget what she did... But maybe... if I can forgive myself for all the shit I've done... maybe I can forgive her, too.

I jump when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

It's Giles.

"Are you alright?" he asks softly.

"No." I admit. "I'm scared."

"Well... that's to be expected. You're about to have to face the one who-"

"That's not what's scarin' me. I mean, sure, that's part of it. She scares me right now. If I'm honest, she always has. For one reason or another, I've always been scared of her. Scared because she's as strong as me... scared because she had a home, a family, people who loved her, and I never had that before. Scared because I loved her, and I've never loved anyone before. Scared because she was the only one who could ever hurt me. Physically... mentally... and emotionally all at once. But that's not what's really scarin' me right now."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm afraid... Because I'm uncertain. I've always been certain how everything would play out before. Not 'cause I'm some kinda psychic or anythin', because nothin' ever changed for me. Every day, it was the same thing. I go out, I slay some vamps, maybe the occasional demon, I go dance my ass off at a club or somethin', then I get laid. Sometimes, I hang out with the gang, try to fit in, even though I knew I never would. But still, I always knew how everything would end. Except for when I killed Finch. That was the first time I was ever uncertain about anythin' before. I didn't know what to do. I actually had to make a choice. An important choice. And I made the wrong choice then. But then, everythin' was certain again. I was certain that at the end of the day, I was your enemy. I was Buffy's enemy then. And I knew that, when all was said and done, it would end with the two of us, fightin'. And it would end with one of us dead. Sure, that didn't happen, but that's why everything is uncertain now. I don't know... I don't know how any of this is gonna end. Once the souls are fixed... Will I make the wrong choice again?

"Once I have that bad part back in my soul, the others are gonna be afraid of me again. I know that. You know that. Hell, _you'll_ be afraid of me again. But will I be able to convince everyone that I wanna be good? Will I even be _able_ to be good? Will I ever get over what I've done? Will I ever forgive B for what she did to me? Can any of you guys really forgive me for what I've done? Or are things gonna go right back to the way things were? I... I'm so confused, Giles. I... I feel sick to the stomach when I think about what I've done, and what's been done to me... Even once me and B are even... once our souls have been balanced out or whatever, will I be able to face her? How can I work side-by-side with her every night? And you know what the sick part is?"

"What is it?" Giles finally asks.

"I... I think... Even after what she did to me... I think..."

"You're still in love with her."

I'm silent for a long time, unable to look away from the door now.

"I think so... I think I'm still in love with her. Like... If she dumped Soldier Boy, and asked me out or somethin'... I feel like I wouldn't even hesitate to say yes. God, that's just so fucked up!"

"Yes. It is." I'm surprized by his brutal honesty. "But you can't help how you feel. It's not your fault. Besides, I know how you feel about that. How can you love something so... so evil? How can you still love something when you've seen it at its absolute worst, and its absolute worst is something so evil, it would stoop to defiling someone like Buffy defiled you? And yet, we do."

"What do you mean?"

Giles sighs. "You couldn't possibly understand the love I have for Buffy. Not until you have a child of your own. Buffy is not mine, biologically speaking, and yet, I love her as if she were my own daughter. The love I feel for her is unconditional. And... believe it or not... I have that same love for you, Faith."

I look up at him.

"I've only known you for such a short time, Faith, especially when compared to Buffy. And yet... When I first met you... You seemed so confident with yourself... But I could see through it. I could tell it was just a mask you were wearing to protect yourself. And... And I instantly wished so much that I could protect you. I understand you better than you know. I was born into completely different circumstances from you, but the same, as well. Unlike you, I was born into a very wealthy family in England. I had the best education my family could provide. But, like you, my parents cared nothing for me. I was but an investment for them. And, like you, I had a destiny. A destiny I was prepared for my entire childhood. And, like you, I strayed from that destiny. I have done terrible things in my past. And I saw the potential for you to go down that same path even when I first met you. I wanted to shield you from that path. I feel as a father to you and Buffy both. And Willow. And even Xander. None of us are related by blood, or even through marriage in any way. And yet, I feel as if we all are one large, very complicated family.

"So you see, Faith, it is not rational for one to love someone, even if they have comitted such despicable acts as murder or rape, and yet, we do. It is... in your own words... 'fucked up'. But we do it, nonetheless. You've killed people, and your actions enabled the deaths of countless others, and yet, I still love you as a father. It is much the same as it is with Buffy. She raped you and beat you until you were barely recognizable, and yet, we both still love her. You in your way, and me in mine. If you truly love her, then that will never go away, no matter what she does. To you or to anyone else. You will _always_ love her. And she will hurt you, but you will still love her, in any case."

"Sounds... depressin'." I say.

He laughs. "Yes. It does, at that. And yet, somehow... it is still a very good thing. It's beautiful."

"Yeah. I guess so."

"Faith... You say you love her. You say you are still in love with her, despite what she has recently put you through, despite the fact that is was she who put you in your coma. I believe you. And it is because of that love that I believe you will forgive her, whether you want to forgive her or not. And I can assure you, once her soul is her own again, or as close to her own as it will get, if we can get her back on the right path, she will never do that again. And the memory of what she did to you will torment her every bit as much as the memories of what you've done torments you. Even if you do forgive her, it will not be easy for her to forgive herself."

I nod. Red and T show up behind us now, carryin' some glowin' stone. Soldier Boy and Xander are here, too. Neither of them look very trustin' of me. They think that once I get my soul back, I'll try to kill them. Riley has his gun with him, in plain sight, and it looks like he's itchin' to whip it out and put a bullet in my brain.

"Are you ready, Faith?" Red asks.

I take a deep breath. "As ready as I'm ever gonna be." I turn to the guys. "Look, before I do this, I just want you guys to know... I... I'm sorry. For everythin'." They open their mouths to protest, but I'm not done. "And I know that sayin' I'm sorry won't fix anythin'. It doesn't even begin to fix anythin'. But I am. Sorry, I mean. I... I really do regret it all... And... Once this is over... I... I want to at least try to make up for it. All of it. I don't wanna go back there. Back to the darkness. It... It's lonely, and it's no place I ever wanna go again. I just wanted you guys to know." I turn back to the door, leavin' them in silence.

I take another deep breath, then open the door.

"Wait, here." Red hands me the stone. "You and she need to be touching it at the same time for it to work. Then, you basically tell it to balance your souls out, and the Katra will do the rest."

"Good luck." T whispers, and I nod. I close the basement door behind me as I start down the stairs.


	7. Chapter 7

Why?

A Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction

Chapter 7...

As soon as the door closes, I freeze. I don't think I can do this. I turn around to walk back out, but the door clicks, and I assume that means they locked it behind me. Slayer strength could easily break the lock, but I think it's mainly meant as a message. There's no goin' back. I take a deep, shudderin' breath, and I take one step down the stairs.

I breathe out and freeze again. _There. That wasn't so bad. Just one step. Just take one more._ I nod to no one in particular and step down again. The step creaks but holds. _No. Not so bad at all. Just take another step._ I do as I say, and again, and again. Each time I step down one more step, my confidence builds slightly. By the time I get down to the bottom of the steps, I barely hesitate between each. I step down the last step and my feet hit the cement floor. I flip on the light switch, and my confidence is gone.

Buffy's starin' right at me. She's not strugglin' against the chains anymore, she's just starin' at me. Her expression is unreadable. I can't tell if she's angry, or if she's laughin' at my fear. I swallow as I take one step towards her, and the process of buildin' confidence begins again.

_One more step. Just get one more step closer._ Then another. And another. Finally, I'm only about an arm's length away from her, and I'm shakin'.

"H-h-h-hey." I say to Buffy, and I avoid looking in her eyes. She smirks.

"Hey."

"Um... Th-th-those are some s-s-strong chains, huh?"

"Yeah. Used to use them to chain Oz up on the full moon nights. Really strong."

"S-s-so Slay... Slayer s-s-strength... I-i-it can't...?"

"Nope. Looks like you're safe."

I nod, and take a deep breath.

"I um... I g-guess you know what I'm... What's fixin' t-t-t-to happen?"

"Yup. The soul balancing out thing, right? We'll each choose our own path from there, choose the light or the dark? Atone for our crimes? Try and get over what we've done to each other, and forgive what the other has done?"

"S-s-s-s-sounds about right."

"So what are you waiting for?"

"I... I w-w-wanted to... To talk..."

She looks surprized. "Well then? Talk."

"What... What are you g-g-goin' to ch-ch-choose?"

"Don't know. Soul's not balanced yet, is it? Don't know how either of us'll react once it happens. Doesn't matter, anyway. Not exactly anything I can do to stop it. All you have to do is touch some enchanted item to my skin, right? And your skin be on the other side? Doesn't have to be my hands, so I can't grab you and try to kill you if you try. The chains are too tight to try and fight you. So looks like you're the one in control this time."

The way she says it, it takes me back to _that night_. She was the one in control. I was hurtin' too much to fight back. I was too stunned by guilt of everything I've done to really put my heart into the little amount of fight I _did_ put up. And suddenly, I could feel her. I could feel her fingers slammin' in and out of me, her other arm holdin' me down. I remember how sore my throat was as I tried to scream for help. But the fact that I was bein' fuckin' _raped_ wasn't what killed me. What killed me inside was that one moment... that one single, fleetin', seemingly insignificant moment when I lost the _will_ to fight back. I gave in. I let it happen. I let her break me.

I look into her tauntin' eyes and I almost scream in terror. She's chained up, not even botherin' to fight, and she still terrifies me almost to the point of paralysis.

I manage to stifle the scream, but a slight whimper escapes, anyway, and she smirks. No. I'm not in control. She is. Even in chains, she's dominatin' me. She's controlin' me.

"What is it, Faith? Aren't you going to use it? The little rock in your hand? Hmm... It's big enough, you could probably keep the innocent soul, and just smash my head in. Kill me. You'd get rid of me. You wouldn't have to worry about me anymore, and you could say that I tried to kill you. It was instinct. You didn't mean to kill me, you were just jumpy and I startled you. It was an accident." I look into her eyes, and I know she's toyin' with me. But she's makin' sense. "If it helps, I could rattle these chains a bit. Make a scene. Maybe they'd come running down the stairs just in time to see you kill me in self-defense. If they witness it, they can't argue with it. You'd have proof. And you'd get away with it."

_But it would taint my soul. _Our_ soul._

"You'd get rid of me."

_I'd lose you._

"You know you hate me."

_But I love you._

"You want to."

_But I won't._

"You _need _to."

_But I can't._

"You remember what I did to you. You can feel it."

_I remember what I did to you. What I did to your friends. What I did to those humans. I can feel it._

"We'd both be free. I'd be free finally from being the Slayer, and you'd be free to do whatever you want. You'd be free to take over my life."

_You'd be dead. I'd be a slave to my conscience. A slave to our soul._

"Do it!"

_No._

"DO IT!" Buffy screams, and I scream as I lunge forward, swingin' the stone with all my might.

"NO!" I scream back, and I feel almost like a tuggin' sensation, like I'm bein' pulled apart, but it doesn't hurt. Then, just as soon as it happened, it's over. I feel better. The fear is almost gone. I'm not angry. I'm not scared. I'm just... balanced. And one look in Buffy's eyes says she feels the same. I pull the stone away from her chest. It worked.

"You didn't kill me?" Buffy asks, and a tear rolls down her cheek.

"No." I confirm, and I drop the stone to the ground as I step back.

"Why?"

"I... I can't... I can't go back down that road. I can't go back to bein'... Bein' that monster..."

Buffy nods, and she falls to her knees, sobbin'. The tight chains cut into her wrists, and she starts bleedin', but she ignores it, and just cries.

The feelin' inside me is overwhelmin', and I join her in her weepin'. I slump to the floor against the far wall away from her, and bury my face in my hands as my body is overcome with emotion. I barely hear the door open and footsteps comin' down the stairs as the others join us.

"Did it work?" Giles asks cautiously. I nod, and Bufy returns the nod. He sighs in relief. He sits down by me and hugs me tight, like a dad. His body starts shakin' as he starts cryin', too, and I hear everyone around us breakin' down into tears. It's like a whole big family cry thing. And the funny thing is, I feel like I'm invited. I feel like I belong. I guess magic really is somethin', because even though I can still feel what Buffy did to me, and what I've done to... well, everyone, and it still kills me what I've been through, I feel determined to make up for it. To cleanse my soul. Or to at least die tryin' to.

...

Me and B are walkin' across the college campus. It's calm, peaceful. There's definitely still tension between us, and I don't think that'll ever go away. We've done too much bad shit to each other. But, both of us are willin' to look past that and help each other redeem ourselves. It's taken a whole year for it to happen, but things have finally settled down and gotten into some kinda routine, and we've started buildin' a _really_ shaky friendship. I'm workin' on gettin' my GED, and once I do, I'm planning on even goin' to UC Sunnydale. Which is where Buffy is goin' now.

"So how are things goin'?" I ask her. "You get everythin' moved into your new dorm okay?"

"Yeah. Everything's five-by-five." She jokes.

I smile a bit. "Cool. Sorry I couldn't help. Had a job interview."

"It's okay." She assures me. "What job?"

"Construcion. And it's lookin' pretty good."

"Well that's good. How's it coming on the GED?"

"Not bad. Lookin' pretty good, actually. Next year, who knows? Might have a new student here."

"Who knows?" Buffy agrees.

Finally, Buffy stops walkin'. I turn to look at her.

"What is it?"

She sighs. "Why didn't you do it?" I know what she's talkin' about.

But I'm silent.

"Why didn't you kill me? You could have done it easily. You wouldn't have been faulted. I tormented you. I was still tormenting you. You wanted to. So why?"

I sigh now, lookin' up at the sky.

"You know, for some superhero that saves the world on a nightly basis while still managin' to have some semblance of a normal life durin' the daytime, you're clueless. You know that, Buffy?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't kill you because I couldn't. Yeah, I could have, but I couldn't do it. Sure, you were chained up. You couldn't have protected yourself. But I just couldn't do it. It would have left me with nightmares even worse than the ones I had about that night. And I'd never have forgiven myself."

"True. Innocent soul and all that."

"No. Well, yes. But no. I wouldn't have forgiven myself not because of the soul... It's 'cause... It's cause, even after what we've done to each other... even though we both absolutely _hated_ each other... I still love you."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... I love you. I'm _in love with you_. Always have been. Probably always will be."

Buffy sits down on a bench beside us and squeezes her knees. I sit down beside her, we're both tense. There. It's all out there in the open.

"You... You're in love... with me?"

"Yeah. Surprize."

"So... you're... bisexual, or...?"

"No... You're the only girl I've ever been attracted to."

"Oh... And this... It isn't just in the past, is it?"

"No. I still love you. I _am_ in love with you. Not _was_, _am_."

Buffy sighs, but doesn't say anythin'.

"Look, Buffy, you don't have to love me back or anythin'. I'm not expectin' anythin' from you. Really, I just consider it a blessin' that we're as friendly as we are with each other. Just thought you should know how I really feel. Thought... Thought maybe you'd trust me a bit more if you knew that I'd never do anythin' to hurt you. Not now. My soul's been balanced, same as yours has, and like you, I've chosen the light as my path. I'm goin' to be good. I'm goin' to redeem myself. And part of how I'm goin' to do that is by helpin' you with whatever you need help with. Be it apocalypses, redeemin' yourself, or... or whatever else you need me for. I'm here for you."

Buffy stays silent.

"Buffy? Could... could you please at least say somethin'?"

"I... I don't know what to say. I... I don't really... I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Kinda figured. Kinda had a feelin' you don't feel the same. No love for me, huh?" Tears spring to my eyes, even though I knew it would be like this once I told her.

"Faith, I'm really, _really_ sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not mad or anythin'. You can't help who ya fall in love with, yeah? Just like you can't make yourself fall in love with someone, either. Look, it doesn't change things between us. I'm still here for ya. Whatever ya need, I'm here."

Buffy nods, grateful, but sad.

"I really am sorry, Faith."

"I know. But it's not your fault. Not mine, either. No one's fault. Don't worry about it. I just wanted you to know."

"I do. Thank you."

"No prob, B."

"Um... If... If you want... You can kiss me... just once."

I let out a shudderin' breath as I seriously consider it. But my answer isn't one that I like.

"No. Probably shouldn't. One kiss'll never be enough. If I did that, I'd resent you for it, and I'd regret it in the long run. No, better I don't know what I'm missin'."

Buffy nods in agreement.

I love her. I love her with everythin' that I am. My entire soul, my heart, it all belongs to her. I live, and I breathe for her. But I know inside me, that she doesn't feel the same. The most I can ever hope for from her is respect and friendship. So I'll settle for that.

**The End**

** So, I hope everyone liked this story. Originally, it was a challenge by a Fanfiction author named Cotto, and the idea really appealed to me, so I accepted the challenge, and what you have just finished reading is the result. I thought that it would be a different take on a Fuffy story, and I think I accomplished that. I've wanted to do a story with a bittersweet ending for a while, and I hope that I've succeeded. Any feedback on this story would be greatly appreciated!**


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